DRAGAN DABIĆ a.k.a. RADOVAN KARADŽIĆ-WALKTHROUGH!

July 25, 2008 @ 5:23 pm

Osim što je Dragan Dabić ljetovao na Šolti, vjerojatno s Ratkom Mladićem koji uopće nije promijenio niti izgled niti ime, jer bi bilo stvarno preglupo da netko tko strahovito sliči Ratku Mladiću i zove se kao Ratko Mladić bude uistinu Ratko Mladić, tako je i nevjerojatan podatak da je Radovan Karadžić, a.k.a. Dragan Dabić, bio i veliki zaljubljenik u video igre! Obožava pucačinu iz prvog lica i nogomet! Jučer sam u online izdanju kragujevačkih Novosti pročitao nevjerojatan tekst koji opisuje video igru za koju je Dabić/Karadžić napisao scenarij i nazvao ga “Balkanski ratovi”. Isprint scenarija nađen je u drugoj ladici radnog stola njegovog stana u Batajnici i vidi se da čovjek kuži video igre. Scenarij je napisao u formi walkthrougha i ne proporučujem njegovo čitanje ljudima slabijeg želuca, jer dugo nisam čitao nešto toliko brutalno.

Dragan Dabic’s Time Machine: All Quiet on the West Balkans - FAQ/Walkthrough for PS3
Publisher: UBIJHARD [part of UBISOFT for extra brutal games]
Rating: 33+
Version 1.7 (06/26/08)
Written by Dragan David Dabic
Email: dragan.dabic@gmail.com

KOMANDE:
START-pauza za cigaru I rakijicu
SELECT-popis zadataka
DESNI STIK-silovanje
LIJEVI STIK-davljenje
KVADRAT-punjenje oružja/oštrenje noža
TROKUT-mijenjanje oružja
X GUMB-pljačkanje, penjanje, skakanje, otvaranje vrata, samozadovoljavanje
KRUG-mučenje
R1-klanje/pucanje
L1-psovanje, crtanje, pisanje
L2-sprint
R2-bacanje [kamen/nož/sjekira], probijanje vilama, teleportiranje

UVOD [Zapadni Balkan, 2008.]
Vaše ime je Ante Jovanović I nadareni ste student fizike na najprestižnijem sveučilištu Zapadnog Balkana. Trenutno vršite prvi pokus na svojem diplomskom radu – vremenskom stroju. Od svih 58 ponuđenih životinja koji vam stoje na raspolaganju za pokus, izaberite odmah bjeloglavog supa, da uštedite vrijeme, jer jedino s njim eksperiment uspjeva – ostalim životinjama uvijek eksplodira glava. Kad eksportirate bjeloglavog supa tri godine unazad, u vremenskom stroju pojavit će se jaje I kolege studenti će vam oduševljeno pljeskati. Kad uđete u stroj, kako bi uzeli tri godine staro jaje, nakratko će nestati električne energije I vi ćete ispustiti jaje iz kojeg se odmah izlegne mali bjeloglavi supić. On počne histerično letjeti vremenskim strojem. Kad supić izleti van, slučajno zatvori vrata vremenskog stroja, a vi ostajete zatočeni u njemu. Potom na komandnoj ploči slučajno krilima utipka sljedeći datum I godinu: 28.VI.1914. Vaša avantura može početi!

1.PRVI SVJETSKI RAT

SCENA 1: ATENTAT [28/06/1914.]

Nalazite se u Sarajevu u masi ljudi koja oduševljeno kliče austrijskom prijestolonasljedniku Franji Ferdinandu. Nekoliko sekundi potom začuju se pucnjevi I Franjo pogiba. Kako ste vi u Sarajevo stigli vremenskim strojem, tako na sebi nemate odjeću I ljutita masa, predvođena Gavrilom Principom, optuži vas za atentat. Vrijeme je za bijeg! Brzo istrčite iz mase, zavinite udesno I kad vidite prvu usku ulicu s lijeve strane, skrenite u nju. Trčite dvjestotinjak metara I kad uočite natpis krojački salon “Fikret”, uđite u radnju I odmah legnite. Gazdarica je iza pulta I okrenuta vam je leđima. Dopuzite do pulta, zaskočite gazdaricu I silujte ju. Kad ste gotovi sa silovanjem, oprezno je zadavite. Iza pulta su vrata koja vode u skladište – tamo pronađite gornji dio uniforme austrijske vojske I odjenite je. Odijevanje morate izvesti u lijevom kutu skladišta. Činite li to bilo gdje drugdje, odmah će vas ugristi štakor, pri čemu ćete ispustiti jak krik I privući austrijske vojnike koji će vas prepoznati kao golog atentatora I ubiti bez pitanja. Neka vas ne zbunjuje što nemate donji dio uniforme I čizme. Kad ste gotovi s odijevanjem izađite na stražnji ulaz I hodajte ulicom. Kad vidite gostionicu “Mlada Bosna”, sakrijte se iza ugla I pričekajte jedan dan, da u nju uđu Gavrilo Princip I Nedeljko Čabrinović. Prepoznat ćete ih po tome što se glasno hvale kako su na vas svalili krivicu za atentat na prijestolonasljednika.
CHECKPOINT REACHED.

SCENA 2: GOSTIONICA “MLADA BOSNA” [19/06/1914.]

Nikako ne ulazite na glavni ulaz gostionice, već uđite u prvu kuću koja se nalazi desno od gostionice. To je dom obitelji Obradović. Ispred kuće naći ćete oveći kamen. Uzmite ga. Krenite prema vrhu kuće, odnosno prema tavanu. Budite oprezni kako vas ukućani ne bi vidjeli, jer će odmah pozvati austrijsku vojsku koja će vas likvidirati. Posebno budite oprezni kad dođete na tavan jer tamo glava obitelji, gospodin Obradović. On pije rakiju sjedeći iza štrika na kojem se suši veš. Priđite mu oprezno s leđa I zatucite ga po glavi desetak puta onim kamenom. Potom ga silujte. Silovanja su vrlo bitna u igri, jer svako silovanje odvest će vas, na kraju pojedinoe misije, devet godina u budućnost. Dakle, ako ćete na kraju prvog nivoa imati samo dva silovanja, u sljedećem nivou završit ćete tek u bijednoj 1932. godini. Nakon što ste gospodina Obradovića zatukli kamenom I silovali ga, ne možete dalje ako ne nađete neku obuću, jer bosa stopala su vam poprilično oštećena. Uzmite opanke I hlače gospodina Obradovića i stavite to na sebe. Potom uzmite I njegovu bocu rakije, razbijte je – grlić boce postaje vaše oružje. Zatim razmontirajte štrik I uzmite ga sa sobom. Preskočite na susjedni krov – sada se nalazite na krovu gostionice “Mlada Bosna”. Zavežite štrik za dimnjak I spustite se kroz dimnjak u glavnu prostoriju. Zateći ćete se lijevo od šanka. Potom sačekajte da vam se konobar na šanku okrene leđima. Došuljajte se do njega I prerežite mu grkljan. Onda se došuljajte do Gavrila Principa I Nedeljka Čabrinovića koji u kutu gostionice piju rakiju. Lupite svakog kamenom po glavi, ali samo jednom, jer moraju ostati živi, kako bi ih poslije mučili. Prije samog mučenja, zavežite ih štrikom kojim ste se spustili kroz dimnjak. Mučite svakog posebno po trideset sekundi, I tako naizmjenice sedam puta. Gavrila Principa lupajte kamenom po nožnim prstima, a Čabrinovića rezuckajte grlićem boce po prsima, a po otvorenim ranama sipajte mu sol I rakiju. Naposlijetku će obojica priznati da je Gavrilo ubio prijestolonasljednika, kad to nije pošlo za rukom Nedeljku. Upravo u tom trenutku u gostionicu ulazi vojska čiji pripadnici čuju priznanje dvojice terorista I vi ste oslobođeni lažnih optužbi!
CHECKPOINT REACHED.

SCENA 3: CERSKA BITKA [15-16/08/1914.]

Postali ste pripadnik moćne vojske Austro-Ugarske monarhijhe I trenutno se nalazite u vojnom kampu u Hanpijesku, sjeveroistočno od Sarajeva. Sutra ćete s 42. Hrvatskom divizijom napasti Srbiju, pa morate malo vježbati gađanje iz puške I probijanje bajonetom – ništa teško. Kad završite obuku naći ćete se u šumi ispod planine Cer. Samo slijedite zapovijednika, pukovnika Stjepana Jelića, vašeg pradjeda po majčinoj strani. Oprezno se šuljajte za pukovnikom Jelićem I uskoro ćete nabasati na prvo selo u Srbiji, malko prije svitanja. Selo morate zapaliti, ali tako da se niti jedan civil ne probudi – ako se samo jedan probudi - Mission Failed. Dakle, svi seljani moraju izgoriti zajedno sa svojim kućama. Ovo je dosta težak nivo I ja sam ga prelazio cijeli dan. Naime, kadgod bi sa svojim pradjedom, pukovnikom Jelićem, krenuo paliti selo, netko od seljaka bi se probudio jer bi pijetao počeo kukurikati pošto je zora. Dakle, prvo što morate napraviti jest da nađete pijetla! On se nalazi na jugoistočnom dijelu sela u kokošinjcu iza kuće koju ćete prepoznati po tome što se na dimnjaku vijori zastava Kraljevine Srbije. Oprezno dođite do kokošinjca I probodite pijetla vilama koje ćete naći ispod kokošinjca. Potom silujte pijetla, kako bi osvojili dodatne bodove za putovanje u budućnost. Kad to učinite, počnite paliti kuće jednu za drugom. No, I tada budite vrlo tihi I oprezni I nikako nemojte trčati, jer će pucketanje grančica I odbijanje kamenčića probuditi seljane I vi ste gotovi. Kad zapalite posljednju kuću, krenite u trk I napustite selo. Morate to učiniti stvarno jako brzo – trčite samo prema istoku I uskoro ćete se naći na bojišnici sukobljenih vojski, u vrtlogu Cerske bitke. Vaš pradjed odmah bude teško ranjen, a vama nema pomoći! Kolikogod se opirali naletima srpske vojske I kolikogod ih poubijali, naposlijetku ćete završiti u zarobljeništvu. Predlažem vam da se odmah predate, kako ne biste bezveze gubili vrijeme. Imate sreće, jer zarobio vas je pukovnik Strahinja Jovanović, vaš pradjed po očevoj strani I odmah ste postali pripadnik srpske vojkse. Silovali ste gazdaricu krojačkog salona “Fikret”, gospodina Obradovića I pijetla. Sakupili ste 27 bodova I vremenski vrtlog vas odbacuje u 1941. godinu.
CHECKPOINT REACHED.

2. DRUGI SVJETSKI RAT

SCENA 1: UŽIČKA REPUBLIKA [28/11/1941.]

Bitno je spomenuti da u drugom svjetskom ratu više ne vrijedi “pravilo silovanja”. Ovdje bodove sakupljate kad promijenite vojsku. Dakle, svaki prelazak u drugu vojsku donosi vam bodove, odnosno osam godina putovanja u budućnost. Život, odnosno zdravstveno stanje I energiju nadopunjujete ubijanjem životinja. Trenutno ste četnik I napadate Užice kako bi iz njega istjerali partizane. Bitno je da odmah po ulasku u grad uđete u Muzej grada Užica I tamo ukradete štit iz srednjeg vijeka, jer jedino sa tim štitom možete završiti prvi level. Kad izađete iz muzeja partizani će napadati vašu stranu ulice. Ima ih dvadesetak I morate ih sve pobiti, sklanjajući se iza stupova ispred ulaza u zgradu muzeja. Život ćete nadopuniti tako što ćete pucati u tri psića koji se nalaze na kraju vaše ulice. No, ako odete do njih I zadavite ih golim rukama, dobit ćete kudikamo više života. [Za sada vam štit ne služi ničemu]. Kad pobijete sve partizane pređite na drugu stranu ulice I skrenite lijevo. Na kraju te ulice nalazi se štala. Ako nemate dovoljno života, probodite vilama obje krave I potom sjednite na konja. Ako I imate života, probodite ih–ko ih jebe! Na izlasku iz štale dočekat će vas partizanska zasjeda s puškomitraljezom. Sad vam štit koristi za obranu, ali pazite na glavu. U trenucima kad partizan stavlja novi redenik u puškomitraljez, priđite mu bliže konjem, zaletite se tako da ga konj zgnječi. Sada vam je otvoren put prema centru grada, no prije odlaska skinite šajkaču I zamijenite je sa šljemom, koji se nalazi na glavi pokojnog partizana. Također, ne zaboravite uzeti puškomitraljez. Samo trčite na konju prema glavnom trgu I pucajte iz puškomitraljeza na sve što se kreće [osobito obratite pozornost na mačke koje se kreću s desne strane – ima ih pet ili šest]. Kad dođete na glavni trg, tamo vas čekaju tri najpreciznija partizanska strijelca, pa nemojte bezglavo juriti na trg, jer ćete odmah biti ubijeni. Desetak metara prije trga sjašite s konja, a njega ubijte jer imate vrlo malo života. Oderite njegovu kožu I preobucite se u konja. Ovaj je dio dosta težak, jer vam je smanjen kut gledanja kroz konjsku glavu. Prvi partizanski strijelac nalazi se lijevo, na vrhu crkve. Drugi je s desne strane I viri iz kanalizacije, a treći je probučen u baku I najnormalnije hoda ulicom. Tu sam se najviše mučio, jer svaki put kad bi nišanio ovog na crkvenom tornju ili ovog u kanalizaciji, bakica bi me ubila. Štoviše, kad naciljate u bakicu nišan vam je zelen, kao da je ne smijete ubiti jer će onda misija biti svršena. No, iako je nišan zelen I prekrižen, roknite baku u glavu pa ćete poslije lako riješiti ovog na crkvi I u kanalizaciji. Kad roknete baku, na ekranu će se ispisati: “Ne pucajte u baku? Kakva glupost! Ovo je Balkan I tu ne vrijede pravila!”. Ovaj dio u igrici mi se posebno svidio, jer je maštovit I orginalan, a jednom sam I čitaio da na Balkanu stvarno ne vrijede nikakva pravila. Sljedeće što morate učiniti jest da se popnete na crkvu I maknete komunističku zastavu s tornja. Na stepenicama crkve imat ćete još jednog preživjelog partizana, no kako više nemate municije, morat ćete ga raniti nožem. Zapamtite – morate ga raniti, jer to je vaš djed po očevoj strani – Miško Jovanović. Ako ga ubijete, vi ne možete postojati u budućnosti i vratit ćete se na početak levela. Ranit ćete ga tako što ćete baciti nož u njegovo bedro. On će pasti I previjati se, a za to vrijeme morate skinuti njegovu uniformu I preobući se u partizana. Mijenjanjem vojske sakupili ste prve bodove.
CHECKPOINT REACHED.

SCENA 2: KOZARA [03/06/1942.]

Vi ste sada partizan čija se jedinica mora oduprijeti udruženim napadima Nijemaca, ustaša I četnika. Opkoljeni ste sa svih strana na vrhu planine I situacija je beskrajno teška. Ova je misija izrazito taktička – na tragu najtežih misija igara kao što su Ghost Reacon ili Rainbow Six! Prvo što morate učiniti je da se potpuno razodijenete. Potom goli krenite niz brdo, prema ustaškim položajima. Neko vrijeme će trebati ustašama da vas primjete, a za to vrijeme pokušajte izbjeći međusobnu paljbu između njih I partizana. Ponekad će vas pogoditi metak, no nasreću u vašoj blizini je dosta krtica koje morate daviti, zbog produljenja života. Kad vas primjeti prvi ustaša u vašem hodu prema njihovim položajima, počnite se istovremeno samozadovoljavati I psovati partizane maštovitim psovkama:
- dabogda im konj krvavim kurcem jebo nevine sestre na majčinim grobovima, a očevi sve to gledali iz invalidskih kolica!
- dabogda im žene rodile sinove s metalnim ušima I magnetom ih zvale na večeru I dobogda im djeca prstima čitala!
- dabogda plesali kolo u strujnom krugu, itd.
Kad izgovorite sve ove psovke uz samozadovoljavanje, ustaše vam neće ništa jer će misliti da ste pobjegli iz obližnje ludnice. Propustit će vas da hodate dalje, no tada vi stupate na scenu! Neko vrijeme hodajte samo naprijed, kroz šumu. Pred kraj ustaških položaja nalazi se mali proplanak na kojem patrolira stražar. Priđite mu s leđa, zadavite ga I preobucite se u njegovu uniformu. Na povratku prema ustaškim položajima zadavite jelena u šumi, zbog dodatne energije. Kad se vratite do ustaša morate ih oprezno, uvijek s leđa, daviti jednog po jednog. Trebate ih zadaviti tridesetak, a najteži je posao s onim posljednjim, jer to je vaš djed po majčinoj strani – Franjo Jelić. Treba dozirati davljenje kako ga ne bi ubili do kraja, već samo onesposobili za daljnju borbu. Davite ga desetak sekundi, a potom napravite pauzu od tri sekunde, I tako četiri puta zaredom. Kad ste gotovi s njim pozovite partizane da se spuste dolje kako bi se svi preobukli u ustaške uniforme I iznenadili četnike na njihovim položajima. Nemojte se vi iznenaditi kad dođete na njihove položaje I kad shvatite da ih tamo nema. Vaš je zapovijednik pogriješio I vi ste upali među Nijemce s kojima nema šale I s kojima nema šanse! Jedini način da se spasite je kućica koju ćete vidjeti u daljini, s desne strane šume. Skrivajući se iza drveće, dođite do nje I oprezno uđite. U njoj su tri njemačka znanstvenika koji nisu naoružani. Ne smijete pucati po njima, jer će vas buka odati. Morate ih oprezno priklati. Kad zakoljete zadnjeg, čut ćete buku nadolazećih njemačkih vojnika, a jedino mjesto gdje se možete sakriti od kiše metaka je kupola u dnu kuće. Ta je kupola prva verzija njemačkog vremenskog stroja I on vas, nažalost, odbacuje u prošlost, četiri mjeseca unazad.
CHECKPOINT REACHED.

SCENA 3: IGMANSKI MARŠ [27/01/1942.]

Vraćeni ste nekoliko mjeseci u prošlost. Pojavit ćete se na začelju kolone koja prelazi Igman u noći punog mjeseca. Nigdje ne žurite jer ste još uvijek odjeveni u ustašku uniformu iz prethodne misije. Ako se pokažete partizanima, nikome nećete moći objasniti da ste zapravo partizan koji je vremeplovom stigao iz budućnosti, s bitke za Kozaru, preodijeven u ustašku uniformu iz tih I tih razloga. Kad se kolona dovoljno rastegne, morate zadaviti partizana koji je ispred vas I preobući se u njegovu uniformu. Nastavite hodati I preskačite zaleđene potoke. Ako, kojim slučajem, prekratko skočite probit ćete led I zagaziti u potok. Nedugo zatim počet ćete se smrzavati I vaša misija će biti okončana. Probate li tražiti životinje da ih zadavite zbog produženja života – zaboravite! Na ovoj hladnoći nema ničega, osim konja iz vaše kolone, no ako njih pokušate ubiti nikada nećete završiti misiju, jer konji će vam poslužiti za ono što će se dogoditi poslije. Hodajte još neko vrijeme s kolonom I oprezno preskačite potoke, a potom slijedi iznenađenje. U susret vašoj koloni trči gomila pobješnjelih životinja, koje zapravo uopće nisu životinje već androidi u obliku životinja. Radi se o jelenima, odjevenim u njemačke uniforme. Dok hitaju prema vašoj koloni rogovi im se vrte 360 stupnjeva I ispaljuju metke na sve strane. Kako u široj okolici nema nikakvog zaklona, tako vam je sada dozvoljeno da ubijate konje koji se kreću s vama u koloni, no oni vam neće dopuniti stanje života, već će vam poslužiti samo kao zakloni od monstruoznih robo-jelena. Kad ubijete zadnjeg konja, sakrijte se iza njega I pucajte po robo-jelenima. Zacijelo ćete se iznenaditi kad shvatite da niti jedan robo-jelen ne pogiba jer su svi napravljeni od neprobojnog čelika. Sava sreća, partizan pokraj vas brzo pogiba I on ima snajper, jedino oružje s kojim možete onesposobiti jelena. Morate ciljati točno između njegovih očiju čime ćemu pregoriti matična ploča I on će se isključiti. Morate biti vrlo precizni I koncentrirani jer imate metaka točno onoliko koliko I robo-jelena morate ubiti. Kad pregori matična ploča posljednjeg robo-jelena krenite s kolonom dalje. Nemojte se preplašiti kad uskoro nabasate na novi odred robo-jelena. Radi se o androidima koji su odjeveni u talijanske uniforme. Svi oni stoje I gledaju u mjesec. Oni vam ništa neće, pa kolona može dalje. No, vi ostanite u blizini talijanskih robo-jelena I kad izgubite kolonu iz vida došuljajte se krajnjeg lijevog jelena. Iza repa vidjet ćete malu sklopku koju ćete otvoriti I stisnuti tipku restart. Dok se robo-jelen restarta, skinite mu uniformu I preobucite se u Talijana.
CHECKPOINT REACHED.

SCENA 4: BITKA NA NERETVI [28/02/1943.]

Sada ste talijanski vojnik I nalazite se u centralnom talijanskom stožeru. Bitku na Neretvi ne vidite, jer ste poprilično daleko od nje, no možete čuti snažne detonacije I rafalnu paljbu. U štabu vam se skupina vojnika smije jer vam uniforma koju ste skinuli s robo-jelena vrlo smiješno pristaje. Za dobijanje prave uniforme morate izvršiti nekoliko vrlo teških zadataka:
a) 30-sekundno tuširanje u hladnoj vodi
b) jedenje 100 grama neslanih špageta bez ikakvog umaka
c) ispijanje decilitra najjeftinijeg vina iz plastične čaše
Kad to obavite, dobijate pravu uniformu I pred vama je pravi zadatak. Kad padne noć morate krenuti sami I pješke prema bojišnici na Neretvi. Proći ćete nesmetano kroz četnike, ustaše I Nijemce I uskoro doći na prvu liniju. Ugledat ćete visoku travu - kroz nju dopužite do partizanskih položaja. S desne strane vidjet ćete logorsku vatru – tamo su dvojica stražara I njih zaobiđite u širokom luku. Potom ćete ispred vidjeti kolibu do koje morate doći. Ispred ulaza u kolibu nalazi se kazan u kojem su ostaci graha. Uzmite dva decilitra graha I ušuljajte se u kolibu. Tamo ćete vidjeti dvadesetak partizana koji spavaju, shrvani umorom od naporne bitke. Zaflekajte im uniforme grahom! Krenite obavezno s desne strane – u suprotnom ćete stati na ostatak boce I bit ćete uhvaćeni. Kad zaflekate I posljednju uniformu, vratite se istim putem u stožer. Kad stignete do njemačkih položaja obratite pozornost na sanitarni kamion. Morate ući u njega I preobući se u njemačku uniformu, a potom uzeti I padobran.
CHECKPOINT REACHED.

SCENA 5: DESANT NA DRVAR [25/05/1944.]

Njemački ste padobranac I odmah iskačete iz aviona prema Drvaru. Paljba prema vama otpočinje sa svih strana. Gađajte prvo partizane koji su odmah ispod vas. Kad vam ponestane života pronađite pokoju pticu u letu u vašoj ravnini ili iznad vas, pa je pogodite. Kad završite s patrtizanima ispod vas, sljedeća opasnost nalazi se na ulazu u šumu. Sa sobom imate I šest bombi, pa ih potrošite četiri. Bacate ih na ulaz u šumu i u ubit ćete većinu partizana. Potom se spuštate na tlo. Krenite prema šumi u kojoj je pećina gdje se krije Tito I usput ubijete dva preostala partizana. Odmah po ulasku nabasat ćete na dva vepra pa I njih ubijte, jer života vam je preostalo poprilično malo. Potom dolazite na šumski puteljak koji vodi prema pećini. Na puteljku ćete nabasati na dvije partizanske straže. Sredite ih s preostale dvije bombe. Na ulazu u pećinu je samo jedan staražar. Možete ga bez problema ubiti, no od toga nemate baš velike koristi, jer kad uđete u Titovu pećinu uvijek će vas požderati njegov pas Luks. Stoga, morate napraviti sljedeće:
Došuljajte se do stražara I silujte ga dvaput. Potom odjenite njegovu uniformu, a svoju, njemačku, stavite na njega. On će od silnog šoka teturati oko sebe, a potom će ući kod Tita u pećinu. Kad ga Tito primjeti u njemačkoj uniformi, vi ga upucajte, pa će Tito misliti kako ste mu spasili život. Tako ćete postati Titov dobar prijatelj.
CHECKPOINT REACHED.

EPILOG: PRVA POSLIJERATNA GODINA [29/11/1946.]

Čestitamo! Tito, kojem ste prije godinu I pol spasili život, postavio vas je za šefa UDBE. Danas, na Dan Republike poklonio vam je mini-teleport. Također, danas do ponoći morate izvršiti četiri otmice u tri različita grada SFRJ. Već je pola jedanaest navečer I malo je vremena. Na svu sreću, imate mini-teleport. Nemate nikakvog oružja, a jedino što vam treba je kamen kojeg ćete naći ispred kuće u kojoj slavite najveći državni praznik. Stisnite tipku za teleport.

1. POŽAREVAC
Nađite obiteljsku kuću Milošević I kidnapirajte petogodišnjeg Slobodana. Prije kidnapiranja ga onesvijestite onim kamenom. Potom pronađite četverogodišnju Miru Marković. Kidnapirajte I nju. Stisnite tipku za teleport.

2. BEOGRAD
Pronađite Franju Tuđmana u beogradskom stanu. Onesvijestite ga kamenom I kidnapirajte ga. Stisnite tipku za teleport.

3. SARAJEVO
Lik kojeg morate kidnapirati nalazi se u zatvoru. Radi se o Aliji Izetbegoviću. No, vi ste šef UDBE I bez problema ulazite u zatvor. Kad uđete u Alijinu ćeliju onesvijestite ga kamenom I kidnapirajte ga. Stisnite tipku za teleport.

4. HAMMERFEST/NORVEŠKA
Likove koje ste oteli zakopajte u snijeg I pustite ih da se zamrznu. Stisnite tipku za teleport.
CHECKPOINT REACHED.

U ovoj misiji ste šest puta promijenili vojsku I dobili 48 godina putovanja u budućnost. Čestitke!

3. MODERNI BALKANSKI RAT

SCENA 1: BRUXELLES [01/07/1994.]

Kad ste oteli I zamrznuli Slobodana, Miru, Franju I Aliju, poprilično ste promijenili povijest, pa rata u bivšoj SFRJ početkom devedesetih, nažalost, nije ni bilo! No, tu ste zato vi, a vaš prvi zadatak je stvoriti opravdane uzroke za krvave oružane sukobe na Zapadnom Balkanu! Trenutno se nalazite u okolici Bruxellesa gdje se održava svečani tulum povodom četvrtog proširenja Europske unije u koju ulaze neovisne zemlje s prostora bivše Jugoslavije. Radi se o šest bivših republika I jednoj autonomnoj pokrajni koje su malko promijenile svoje nazive:
1. SR Slovenija: Republika Bosna
2. SR Hrvatska: Nezavisna država Hrvata I dvanaest zapeta tri posto Srba
3. SR BiH: Demokratska Republika Nova Jugoslavija
4. SR Srbija: Ujedinjeno kraljevstvo realno velike Srbije I sjevernog Kosova sa četvrtinom Metohije
5. SR Crna Gora: Kneževina Južni Monaco
6. SR Makedonija: MSOBPG: Makedonija [skraćenica znači “mi smo ovdje bili prije Grka”]
7. SAP Kosovo: Republika Južno Kosovo s tri četvrtine Metohije

Nakon dosadnog uvodnog dijela, konačno počinje vaša misija! Nalazite se ispred ogromne kućerine u kojoj se održava tulum. Samo je jedan security na ulazu I s njim neće biti problema. Zadavite ga s leđa I uzmite mu pištolj I vodootporni flomaster iz unutarnjeg džepa sakoa, no nemojte ulaziti u kuću, nego se popnite požarnim stepenicama na krov kućerine. Tamo skinite zastave gore spomenutih država. No, kako ste poprilično promijenili povijest I budućnost, tako zastave ne izgledaju onako kakvim ih znate danas, pa ih je poprilično teško naći među gomilom zastava koje vise s krova kućerine. Evo opisa zastava koje trebate skinuti, a potom iskoristiti onaj vodootporni flomaster:

1. Republika Bosna: trobojnica bijelo-plavo-crveno s grbom u gornjoj lijevoj strani. Na grbu su dva dimnjaka iz zeničke čeličane koji stoje na vrhu Triglava. [Docrtajte veliki polumijesec I zvijezdu, te napišite “Ovo je Islamska Republika Bosna”! Potom precrtajte Triglav.]

2. Nezavisna država Hrvata I dvanaest zapeta tri posto Srba: trobojnica crveno-bijelo-plavo sa šahovnicom u sredini. Na prvom polju šahovnice su četiri slova C. [Prešarajte četiri slova c I na svako crveno polje šahovnice nacrtajte mali Triglav. Preko zastave ispišite “Tukaj je Slovenija]”

3. Demokratska Republika Nova Jugoslavija: radi se o bijeloj zastavi koja na sebi ima imitaciju megapoznatog ulja na platnu na kojem srpski I albanski orao igraju šah na crveno-bijeloj hrvatskoj šahovnici s figuricama Crnogoraca na vrhu Triglava u Sloveniji, a obasjani suncem iz Makedonije, te bošnjačkim polumjesecom I zvijezdom. Obojica puše. [Prešarajte sve na zastavi, osim srpskog orla I šahovnice. Iznad njega docrtajte oblačić s riječima “Ja bi ovo podijelio s Hrvatima”, a na bijela polja dopišite “I mi bi s vama!”]

4. Ujedinjeno kraljevstvo realno velike Srbije I sjevernog Kosova sa četvrtinom Metohije: trobojnica crveno-plavo-bijelo na čijoj je sredini grafika s likovima Karađorđa I Miloša Obrenovića u ljubavnom zagrljaju. [prešarajte obojicu I nacrtajte lik Ilije Garašanina, kao I kartu Velike Srbije]

5. Kneževina Južni Monaco: zastava crvene boje na čijoj je sredini je bolid formule jedan. Svuda se po zastavi, najsuvremenijom digitalnom tehnologijom, mijenjaju raznorazne reklame. Hakirajte zastavu tako da pokvarite reklamu za Veliku nagradu Lovćena, a na zastavi opet dopišite četiri slova C I ispišite “Velika nagrada Kragujevca”.]

6. MSOBPG: Makedonija: zastava crvene boje na kojoj velikim slovima piše “Mi smo ovdje bili prije Grka”. [precrtajte ovu parolu I napišite sljedeće: “Mi smo ovdje bili I prije Grka I prije vas! Potpis – Albanci!”

7. Socijalistička Republika Južno Kosovo s tri četvrtine Metohije: trobojnica plavo-bijelo-crveno s petokrakom u sredini [prekrižite petokraku I nacrtajte albanskog orla koji siluje srpskog orla]

Potom uđite na jedina vrata koja vidite. Spustite se na prvi kat I uđite u prvu sobu lijevo gdje ćete iz ladice radnog stola izvaditi prigušivač. Potom se vratite u hodnik I pogledajte dolje – s tog mjesta imate odličan pregled tuluma na dvoranu u prizemlju. S prigušivačem i sedam metaka koje imate u pištolju morate ubiti sedam premijera država koje se upravo primaju u Europsku uniju. Samo jedan promašaj ili ubojstvo pogrešne osobe vratit će vas na početak misije. E, sad se postavlja pitanje kako prepoznati premijere, kad su svi ljudi u dvorani isto odjeveni – leptir mašne, smokinzi itd. Čitajte pažljivo I koncentrirajte se. Slovenski premijer jedini jede burek I istovremeno puši cigaretu, hrvatski premijer jedini od svih ima leptir mašnu crvene boje, premijer Nove Jugoslavije na reveru sakoa ima bedž s likom Josipa Broza Tita, premijer Srbije jedini pije piće iz boce, premijer Crne Gore spava u kutu, premijer Kosova ima tanjur s 18 kremšnita, a premijer Makedonije srivećki u kutu puši opijum. Kad ih sve pobijete, na balkonu izvjesite onih sedam zastava koje ste prepravili I to će konačno biti povod za krvoproliće na Balkanu! Prije čestitki, morat ćete obići sve te zemlje I izvršiti još par akcija kako bi dodatno pojačali povode za ratove na Zapadnom Balkanu.

SCENA 2: TRBOVLJE [02/07/1994.]

Prije samog opisa scene, nekoliko riječi o formi bodovanja cjelokupne treće misije. Naime, u prvoj ste misiji bodove koji vam donose putovanje u budućnost sakupljali silovanjima, u drugoj kad ste mijenjali uniforme različitih vojski, a u ovoj misiji bodove ćete sakupiti ubijanjem civila. Na svakom levelu dobro pazite jer uvijek imate I uniformirana lica [policija I vojska] – na njih ne smijete pucati, jer odmah gubite život. Svaki level je izrazito težak, ne zbog neke taktike nego zbog brzine ubijanja. Iako ste uvijek na jednoj lokaciji, morate unutar 180 sekundi ubiti apsolutno sve civile na lokaciji, a ponekad ih je I preko stotinu!

Sada ste Ismet Hadžirudarević, rudar u Trbovlju, a jedino vam je oružje malj. Spustite se u okno I pobijte maljem sve rudare osim doseljenika s područja Nove Jugoslavije [ex-SR BiH]. Rudare koje trebate ubijati prepoznat ćete po plavim očima I njih je samo 37! Ovaj level prolazite zasigurno iz prve.
CHECKPOINT REACHED: Republika Bosna [ex-SR Slovenija] objavljuje rat Demokratskoj Republici Novoj Jugoslaviji [ex-SR Bosna I Hercegovina]

SCENA 3: SAVUDRIJA [03/07/1994.]

Vi ste slovenski turista Janez Gliserec I trenutno se vozite u megabrzom gliseru. Ispred sebe vidjet ćete plažu sa pedesetak hrvatskih kupača u moru. Sve ih morate samljeti gliserom u brzoj vožnji, unutar tri minute. Morate paziti na svjetionik da se ne zaletite u njega I na plićak. Kad dođete u plitko more smanjite brzinu. Jedan će vam kupač uvijek uspjeti pobjeći iz mora I njega morate uhvatiti I zadaviti. Usput pazite I na dva policajca čije metke morate izbjegavati.
CHECKPOINT REACHED: Nezavisna država Hrvata I dvanaest zapeta tri posto Srba [ex-SR Hrvatska] objavljuje rat Republici Bosni [ex-SR Slovenija]

SCENA 4: SARAJEVO [04/07/1994.]

Sada ste Mihailo Portirović I portir ste u jednom sarajevskom hotelu. Napustite radno mjesto I popnite se na krov hotela. Tamo ćete naći snajper sa šezdeset dva metka. Na trgu ispod vas je 65 osoba. Ubijte ih sve unutar 180 sekundi osim bračnog para sa četverogodišnjim sinom, jer to su vaši roditelji Srboljub Jovanović I Hrvojka Jelić, šetaju s vama, malim Antom, kad ste imali četiri godine. Na suprotnoj zgradi su dva specijalna policajca, također sa snajperima. Njihove metke morate izbjegavati I nikako ne pucajte na njih.
CHECKPOINT REACHED: Demokratska Republika Nova Jugoslavija [ex-SR BiH] objavljuje rat Nezavisnoj državi Hrvata I dvanaest zapeta tri posto Srba [ex-SR Hrvatska] I Ujedinjenom kraljevstvu realno velike Srbije I sjevernog Kosova sa četvrtinom Metohije [ex-SR Srbija]

SCENA 5: DOLINA PREŠEVA [05/07/1994.]

Sada ste Dušan Kombajnović I vozite kombajn po Preševskoj dolini, na jugoistoku Ujedinjenog kraljevstva realno velike Srbije I sjevernog Kosova sa četvrtinom Metohije. Ispred vas je ogromno polje na kojem naporno radi sedamdesetak albanskih seljaka, zemljoradnika. Zadatak je jednostavan. Pregazite ih sve! No, otprilike u drugoj minuti gaženja, nestat će vam goriva u kombajnu. Morate otrčati do traktora, zadaviti lika koji ga vozi I nastavak gaženja izvršiti traktorom. Završetak levela iznimno je težak pošto je traktor spor I malen, a preostalo vam je još više od dvadeset civila.
CHECKPOINT REACHED: Socijalistička Republika Južno Kosovo s tri četvrtine Metohije [ex-SAP Kosovo] objavljuje rat Ujedinjenom kraljevstvu realno velike Srbije I sjevernog Kosova sa četvrtinom Metohije [ex-SR Srbija].

SCENA 6: TITOVA MITROVICA [06/07/1994.]

Vi ste Fadil Taxhici I vozite taxi. Pređite vozilom most I uđite u dio grada nastanjen pretežno Srbima. Kad dođete u Titovu ulicu počnite gaziti prolaznike. Ima ih oko devedeset, a vi imate samo tri minute vremena! Pazite dobro, jer je na ulici, zbog krize u regiji I nedavnog napada u Bruxellesu, popriličan broj vojske. Morate izbjegavati njih I njihove metke. Ovu sam misiju prelazio dosta dugo vremena.
CHECKPOINT REACHED: Ujedinjeno kraljevstvo realno velike Srbije I sjevernog Kosova sa četvrtinom Metohije [ex-SR Srbija] objavljuje rat svima, pa I Sjedinjenim Državama!

SCENA 7: EPILOG [LOVĆEN-TETOVO-HAMMERFEST 07-10/07/1994.]

Nakon što ste u bolidu Formule 1 na Velikoj nagradi Lovćena pobili sve crnogorske gledatelje I zapalili tri škole u Tetovu s albanskim učenicima, vrijeme je da odete na sjever Norveške, u Hammerfest.

Tamo pronađite ono mjesto na kojem ste zamrznuli Slobodana Miloševića, Mirjanu Marković, Franju Tuđmana I Aliju Izetbegovića. Odmrzite ih, objasnite im situaciju I pošaljite ih na Zapadni Balkan kako biste bili sigurni u nastavak ratova.

Ubili ste 927 civila, što je previše bodova za odlazak u vašu 2008. godinu I vremenski vrtlog vas odbacuje čak 78 godina u budućnost.

4. EXTRA DODATAK: PRVENSTVO ZAPADNOG BALKANA U NOGOMETU –
PRO BRUTAL BALKAN SOCCER 2072.
[Rusija 13/06-10/07/2072.]

Rat kojeg ste savršeno isplanirali I započeli trajao je deset godina. Danas na području Zapadnog Balkana ima 187 neovisnih I međunarodno priznatih država. U isto vrijeme kad se održava Europsko prvenstvo u nogometu u Armeniji I Azerjbejdžanu, održava se I prvenstvo nogometa Zapadnog Balkana. Taj se turnir nikada ne igra u nekoj od zemalja Zapadnog Balkan, jer postoji mogućnost da se zemlja domaćin raspadne vrijeme samog turnira. Zato se turnir igra svaki petak I traje samo jedan. Pretprošli petak bio je na Belizeu, prošli petak u Sjevernoj Koreji, a evo sada smo u Rusiji.

Posljednja misija igre “Dragan Dabic’s Time Machine: All Quiet on the West Balkans” služi za opuštanje I u njoj više nažalost više nema ubijanja, već se igra klasičan nogometni turnir. No, ima pljuvanja suca, lomljenje noge, potres mozga, navijački neredi itd. Od 187 reprenzentacija, na turnir se plasirala trideset I jedna, kao I domaćin Rusija s kojom vi igrate po defaultu. Reprenzentacije su raspoređene sedam skupina, a pobjednik turnira dobija besplatno putovanje vremenskim strojem u povijesno/buduće razdoblje koje odabere.

SKUPINA A [Moskva]:
1 Rusija
2 Skopska Republika
3 Demokratska Republika Južna Pelagonija
4 Small Part of Former Yugoslav Republic of MSOBPG: Makedonija

SKUPINA B [Vladivostok]
1 Islamska Republika Štajerska
2 Neovisna Hrvatska Dolenjska
3 Ujedinjeno Talijansko Primorje s Piranskim zaljevom
4 Republika Slovenska Ljubljana

SKUPINA C [Novosibirsk]
1 Kneževina Janjevo
2 Republika Srpska Mitrovica
3 Metohija
4 Republika Južno Kosovo

SKUPINA D [Ekaterinburg]
1 Bosna I Hercegovina – katalonski sektor
2 Bosna I Hercegovina – čečenski sektor
3 Bosna I Hercegovina – sjevernoirski sektor
4 Bosna I Hercegovina – kurdski sector

SKUPINA E [Volgograd]
1 Velika Republika Lika
2 Zapadnoslavonska konfederacija
3 Bjelovarska kraljevina
4 Katolička Hunta Južna Dalmacija

SKUPINA F [Kazan]
1 Duvanska Industrija Pljevlja I Fabrika Tekstila Podgorica
2 Budvanska Rivijera
3 Nikšićko Pivo
4 Privatna Plaža Bojović kod Herceg-Novog

SKUPINA G [Sankt-Peterburg]
1 Kraljevina Šumadija
2 Islamska Džamahirija Sandžak
3 Ujedinjena Bačka
4 Zlatiborska Republika

Skratit ću vam muke, jer možete do naslova prvaka s ekipom Rusije samo odabranom jedanaestoricom I samo s jednom taktikom. Igrajte na 4-3-1-2 I od 22 igrača odaberite točno ovih jedanaest:

1 Neredov
2 Huliganenko
3 Bokserov
4 Bengalski
5 Nerednjak
6 Nabijenko
7 Sačekušnjak
8 Nokautov
9 Sahranjenko
10 Huliganski
11 Premlačenko

Kad osvojite prvenstvo, vratite se u 2008. godinu I to je kraj igre!

COPYRIGHT BY: Dragan David Dabić, Belgrade, 2008.

5 komentara »

  1. remek djelo

    Komentirao mikic, July 25, 2008 @ 7:37 pm, link

  2. hm, prvih jedanaest reprezentacije rusije deluje iznimno poznato; nije li to isti tim sa priprema u rijeci, to jest, reci, pre koju nedelju /kondicioni deo-bez lopte/? hm.
    sa svim ostalim se nedvojbeno slazem.
    nema, to je kad dragan pise. mislim, david.

    Komentirao pirlo, July 25, 2008 @ 11:24 pm, link

  3. maestralno…samo mi se pari da je bilo ništo malo mrtvi…

    Komentirao dalmacija moja inspiracija, July 28, 2008 @ 10:58 am, link

  4. Sve je to prepisao od Ante Đapića.(kakav fleš)

    Komentirao Beba, July 28, 2008 @ 12:38 pm, link

  5. E ovako trebali ste da ubacite u igri kako tito u podrumu koje patrijarha pavla a vas zadatak je da ga obrijete i napuite bradom jastuk skojim ce te ugusit, draskovica i seselj od draskovica moratew uzet kamu i zaklat baneta i velju ilica zatim ukrasti tenk iz jna i otici u bajnu bastu da srusite manastir racu svo monastvo morate odvest na skelanski most i pobiti maljem u glavu, zatim naci rakic aleksandra u bajnoj basti i dati mu bombe on je beba al on ce iz igre da baci bombe sa terase stana zatim tu bebu odvest na obuku jer on ce bit zamena za arkana, kad to sve uradite. skoknite do kockarnice u beogradu i uletite sa motornom testerom iskasapitenedeljka rajica odma se vratite u bajnu bastu u manastir i napravite zasedu krusevjanima mici i inosavi zarobite ih i pokoljite tu je najtezi zadatak morate svu krv koja curi iz gtrkljana pretocit u flase!!!

    Komentirao Ivan Socak, October 4, 2009 @ 5:34 am, link

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